Free Chats with Asian Women

Do you ever go through your e-mail junk box? I normally do a hasty scan to see if anything of importance actually got directed there, then I delete everything. I love clean, empty e-mail boxes.

On a recent perusal, I ran across a piece of mail that had the following subject line—“Free Chats With Asian Women.” How quaint… I think it’s wonderful these women would donate their time to “chat” with whomever). They must be quite altruistic.

Now, having discovered a whole new world of heretofore-unknown materials, I began to take more care assessing these gems. I decided it would be unfair to blithely delete someone’s well-meaning squibs. What an amazing treasure trove of human interest I have found.

“…speak to an old, balding, white guy.”

Apparently, not only is there a cadre of Asian women sacrificing their telephone hours, there are Russian, Czech, Swedish, and Hispanic ones as well. I’ve begun to feel badly about how I’ve been so selfish with my phone experience. I’m thinking about following in their footsteps and volunteering my time as well. There must be someone out there who’d like to speak to an old, balding, white guy.

Free conversation is not the only thing that inadvertently ends up in my junk e-mail box. I’ve discovered that I can meet my “Love” on match.com. I’m not exactly sure why I’d want to do that since I see her every morning and evening (before and after work). Maybe I could “meet” her during her lunch hour on match.com. What a wonderful service!

I also see one today that will be hard to pass up. If I ever go back to school, I can pick up some Mariner’s back-to-school-gear. I’m not much of a Mariners fan, but they do have nice uniforms. Now all I need is to get accepted into a school.

Oh, wow! I don’t want to come across as a namedropper or anything, but I just received some inside info on Newt Gingrich’s unbelievable prediction about Nancy Pelosi. I can’t wait to see what that is. If it’s worth passing along, I’ll let you know.

“How did I ever live without these things?”

Another one just came through that’s going to help me live off the grid. That one’s got to be important as well as innovative. Off-grid living can be tough. I know because I’ve seen it in commercials. They’re gruesome! If things get really bad, however, I just discovered a way to get rid of my pest problem. How did I ever live without these things?

I now know I’ll never be without a friend. There are several right here in my junk box that want to “partner” with me. Another wants to warn me about Megyn Kelly. I’m not sure what the warning is all about, but it’s supposed to send chills down my spine. Who knew?

The long and short of it is this: check out that junk box! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to see if I can call and get a good review on a local Thai restaurant.

[Dave Zuchelli is a graduate of Pittsburgh Theological Seminary and is currently the pastor of Smith Chapel, in Great Falls, VA.]

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