The Tooth Fairy Rocks!

I was watching the TV news recently and saw an amazing exposé on the Tooth Fairy. First of all, I never knew the Tooth Fairy actually existed. I always thought she was a mythical character made up by parents to ameliorate their traumatized children. As it turns out, she’s real. I saw a video clip of her and everything. (She looks like a young Kirstie Alley—which ain’t all bad.)

Not only does she exist, she’s got to be some sort of heiress or something. The crux of the news item was the amount of money she gives away. According to the latest figures, the average tooth garners a cache of $5.72 on average. To give you a better perspective on that, she gave away a total of $290,600,000.00 in 2016. In case you have a tough time reading numbers with lots of zeroes, that’s almost three hundred million in one year alone.

She’s Worth Billions

Either this magical chick is worth billions, or she’s extremely well invested. She certainly would be a good catch for any guy looking to marry for money. On top of that, she has to be quite well traveled. Only Santa Claus seems to outdo her on that score.

The one big drawback might be her deftness. Anyone who can steal into someone’s bedroom, reach a hand under their pillow, remove a rotten tooth, and replace it with hard, cold cash before being noticed would be a handful.

I actually find this whole thing to be rather annoying. I understand inflationary trends and all that, but six bucks for a tooth? As I recall, I was lucky to get a quarter. Apparently, her coffers have been growing. I suppose it has something to do with the stock market rising above 20,000, but I have to say I’m a bit bitter. With the proper investments, I could have been sitting pretty right now. The only thing I could do with a quarter in those days was go to the movies (wish I could do that for a quarter now—talk about inflationary trends).

A Great Money Manager

There’s an old saying that goes, “You learn something new every day.” I don’t know if that’s true, but I learned a few new things from the newscast that day. The Tooth Fairy exists, she’s beautiful, she’s rich, and she got away with murder when it came to my extractions. I have to say that I’m really disappointed, but I’ve got to hand it to her. She really rocks! Anyone who can keep this up for so long is not only dedicated but a great money manager on top of it all.

I no longer put my hopes and dreams in the hands of the Tooth Fairy. She’s disappointed me enough to last me a lifetime. At this point, I’ll follow the words of the Prophet Isaiah who spoke for the Lord when he said, “Those who hope in me will not be disappointed” (Isaiah 49:23). Besides that, I don’t have many more teeth to spare.

[Dave Zuchelli is a graduate of Pittsburgh Theological Seminary and currently resides in Aldie, VA.]

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