The Impossible Whopper

We have just transversed the infamous April first. Some of you are painfully aware of the day called April Fools Day. You are so, because you were trapped in some corny version of a joke (after which, you groaned audibly). It happens to the best of us (perpetrated by the worst of us).

On April Fools Day, I saw an article which I immediately assumed was an April Fools hoax. The item highlighted that Burger King was introducing a meatless burger. I thought, “Without a doubt, this has to be a joke.” I wasn’t about to be caught unawares. Alas and alack, ‘twas not a jest. The article, itself, made it clear that this was the real deal. It’s a trial run but authentic nonetheless.

Not the King’s Fault?

This beefless wonder is called the “Impossible Whopper.” Its name is not derived from the obvious fact that it’s impossible to create a good burger without a cow. No, its moniker is a resultant of the cooperating company, Impossible Foods, which apparently provides the patties for the sandwich. I just knew it wasn’t entirely the King’s fault. He must have been tricked into it.

I had never heard of this company before, and that’s no surprise. I say this, because their claim to fame is the fact that they produce “plant-based substitutes for meat and dairy products.” That is not an arena into which I step very often. I’m not interested in putting any cows out of business (flatulence not withstanding).

I look askance at all of this. Messing with the food of my life is not something I take lightly. Whoppers are good burgers. There’s an old saying that could be applied here. “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!” Tampering with my beef patties could be catastrophic. You may remember the old slogan, “Where’s the beef?” What Wendy’s found, Burger King is about to lose.

Upon Further Review

Upon further review, however, I’m thinking this could be a sign of the apocalypse. After all, in Genesis 9:3, God tells Noah, “Everything that lives and moves about will be food for you.” Of course, the good Lord put a few restrictions on things a bit later. The Levitical dietary laws prohibit the consumption of pork and lobster (two of my faves, of course). He also told us not to “cook a young goat in its mother’s milk.” But beef has never been off the table since the flood. Noah didn’t save those two bovines for nothing.

So when people start removing the ham from hamburger, something’s up. They’ve replaced Elsie with potato, coconut, wheat (yes, you gluten-free folks are out of luck), and the ever-popular soy. And just to fool you, these babies even bleed. How they do that I’ll never know. Frankly, the blood is something I could do without. Even God says, “Do not eat any meat with the blood still in it” (Leviticus 19:26). 

When public businesses start defying the word of God, the end must be near. I implore you. Bring back the beef!

[Dave Zuchelli is a graduate of Pittsburgh Theological Seminary and currently resides in Aldie, VA.]

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